With any interaction we have with other people, we have our own personal guidelines for how we expect them to treat us. They are our rules we set for ourselves that help us protect our energy and prioritize our time and wellness. These “guidelines” or “rules” are also known as our personal boundaries. Boundaries can be rigid, loose, something in between, or lack completely. There are six categories that most personal boundaries fit under. Those are: emotional, physical, sexual, workplace, material, and time.
Healthy boundaries help us establish our identity and develop autonomy. They help us maintain good mental health and keep us from experiencing burn out. A person with healthy boundaries can say “no” to others when they want to, but they are also comfortable opening themselves up to intimacy and close relationships. They are capable of giving, but doesn’t let it empty them.
On the other hand, lacking boundaries, or having poor reinforcement of boundaries can lead to the opposite – poor mental health, difficulty expressing yourself, and feeling disrespected. A lack of boundaries can leave us victims to emotional manipulation (whether the manipulation is intentional or not).
My focus will be on emotional boundaries. Emotional boundaries refer to how people feel and what they feel comfortable sharing with others. When identifying your own emotional boundaries, pay attention to how people make you feel, identify your feelings, and name them. Reinforcing your emotional boundaries can look like a lot of things, but here’s 9 examples of having emotional boundaries can look like:
Saying no evenif it’s easier to sacrifice your own needs to keep the other person from being upset
Advocating for yourself if you feel uncomfortableyou decide what you will and won’t tolerate
Expecting respect and recognizing you deserve respectful communication it’s your right to walk away if you feel that someone is speaking to you disrespectfully
Realizing that vulnerability is a choice and that you shouldn’t ever feel pressured about what to open up aboutyou should share your feelings on your terms
Dictating your own feelings you have your own identity and your feelings might not be the same as other’s and that’s OK
Knowing you can change your mindyou can rethink things and shouldn’t feel guilty if your opinion changes
Accepting helpyou recognize what you need help with and what you need space from
Asking for spaceyou know you’re not pushing anyone away when asking for space, and know that sometimes alone time is needed
Acknowledging that other’s anger is not your fault and refusing to take the blameyou can acknowledge others’ pain, but acknowledge you don’t have responsibility over their actions
Remember, boundaries aren’t something that makes us unhappy; they aren’t set in stone, nor are they about being right or wrong. They help us examine our own limits and challenge us to communicate more directly and prevent miscommunication, misunderstanding, and built up resentment. Setting boundaries is an attempt to make your relationships work, not cut people out. So, put up the personal partition, prioritize your wellness, and see how having and reinforcing boundaries can make your relationships more enjoyable for yourself and others.
Everyday of our lives, we are the main character. We live life through our eyes, our values, and our perspectives. Because of that, the metric of measurement of what a “good” life is, and what is relevant to us, is completely individualized. While life experiences can change these values and perspectives, we still ultimately determine what is most important to us. What I consider to be good won’t necessarily be what you consider to be good, but what we have in common is that we have the power to determine what is “good” to us. Basically we all have the power to live a good life. And why shouldn’t the main character life a good life?
We don’t control what goes on in the world, but we do control how we react to the world. We hold the power to shift our mindset; and that power to shift our mindset can change our lives. It sounds so simple, command your mindset = the road to a good life. And it really is that simple, it’s just not that easy.
It’s easier to just dwell and mope about things than it is to accept things for what they are and shift perspective. At the end of April my house caught fire. It was a pretty big fire too — after the fire fighters came and put the fire out, the house wasn’t habitable. And it sucked. I was just about to start my new job in a few days, my wedding was in two months, and my house just caught fire. My significant other and I worked hard to buy this house; we put a lot of work into the house to make it what it was, and in a matter of moments the fire put a lot of extra skylight and openings to our house that weren’t intended.
But it happened — and there was nothing I could do but accept that it happened. Of course this isn’t to say I wasn’t upset and didn’t grieve our home; I admit it was hard to accept the house fire. But everyone got out safely (pets included), we had family and friends that were there in a heartbeat to help us, and even though I knew my significant other and I put so much time and effort into fixing up our house, I also knew this time around we wouldn’t be the ones redoing it all over again. Once I reminded myself of what I truly valued and what I considered to be important, it was a lot easier to move forward; with a shift in mindset I knew even through this tragedy my life was still good.
Some thing’s in life are just plain unpleasant. And it’s okay to feel upset about things. There is a lot of value in experiencing our emotions at letting them run their course. But while feeling upset is uncomfortable it helps build resilience and gives us more control of our life by moving past the negativity, growing from it, and acknowledging that we define what is true and important to us. Accepting the responsibility and truth that the only one who can really change your mindset is you, also makes you realize that the only person who can really determine if you have a good life of not is you.
Growing up I remember thinking I had my life perfectly planned onto a timeline. I wished that life would come quicker, that I was older. I wanted to be “an adult.” But now, as “an adult” I have a lot of responsibilities. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t like the life I live right now or that I don’t appreciate what I have, but sometimes I really wish I didn’t have to worry about all of these responsibilities. I didn’t realize life was simpler at the time (until I realized my life became increasingly complicated with my increasing age).
My little sister is junior in high school; a sixteen-year-old going on seventeen by the end of this year. Seeing my younger sister grow up is so strange to me; when I think of her, I still think of the younger version of herself. The version where she would only eat the chocolate and sprinkles off the donuts we would get on Saturday mornings. Now, she’s old enough to form her own opinions and is approaching early adulthood. I wonder if she wishes what I used to wish.
This post is inspired by her.
Seventeen things to tell my soon-to-be seventeen-year-old sister.
Prioritize school work and GPA, but don’t forget to have fun
Appreciate your friendships (and other important relationships)
Develop time management skills
Don’t care too much about what other people think about you. No one is watching you as close as you think
You’ll recover from your first heartbreak. It’s not the end of the world
Don’t be afraid to try something new; just go for it while you have the opportunity
You don’t have to have everything figured out yet
Cooking is an invaluable skill
Popularity doesn’t mean anything in the real world
Learn to love yourself and your flaws
Educate yourself about finances
Don’t be a people pleaser. Have your own opinions and don’t be afraid to voice them
There is power in positive thinking. Having good energy attracts good energy
Don’t settle
Focus on yourself and figure out what you’re interested in
Value your sleep
Enjoy where you are now — don’t be in a hurry to grow up!
We are driven by our values. You do what you value. You are what you value. They are what we use to determine what we consider a successful and meaningful life. They are our inner compass that helps us keep what’s important to us in sight. Values aren’t achievable, rather they’re a chosen life directions and are part of making up who we are.
The way we approach the world and how we interact with others are all influenced by this inner compass, whether you realize it or not. When we set goals and choose actions to pursue them, we are being guided by values. They are what we use to determine what’s “good,” what’s “bad,” and steer the decisions we make in every aspect of our day-to-day lives. Because they differ person to person, they can also become a potential source of disagreement and misunderstandings.
Recently, I’ve been thinking about values and how powerful they truly are; they give us purpose in our lives. I was trying to deconstruct my own values and understand what I live by; ultimately I came to find that personal values contribute to one’s satisfaction (or dissatisfaction) with life. Acting in alignment with our values = satisfaction.
But why is that? Defining our personal values increases our self awareness, which then influences our outcomes, and finally improves our quality of life. Because we are the ones who set our own goals and decide how we act guided by our values, we are the ones in control of what we consider to be success and ultimately we are the ones in control of our happiness. Achieving success in life is not nearly as important as our definition of success.
I think the simplest way to identify our values is to think of it as identifying our priorities. An exercise I did myself to help identify my values was I started by listing several aspects of my life (e.g. friendship, career, family, spirituality) and then I listed how I wanted to act in those categories (e.g. friendship: empathetic, thoughtful, engaged, caring, fun-loving). We don’t always feel like we have control over our life and forget that we are the ones that have the inner compass to guide ourselves to a meaningful life. I feel like doing something as simple as that exercise helped reassure me that even if things are hard and stressful, I follow a path that fundamentally brings significance and happiness to my life.
For the first time I had experienced this ceremonial event at the hospital called an “honor walk.” I’d never heard of an honor walk before until today, but it’s a ceremony to commemorate patients as they are transported to the operating room for organ procurement. Tonight as I participated in the commemoration of a young man, hospital staff silently lined the hallway of the ICU as a patient was transported from his inpatient room to the operating room. It was an intense moment to participate in, and had me reflecting upon my experiences with death and dying.
Anytime I have had an experience related to death and dying, my heart is always heavy. My first experience with death and dying was when I used to work as a certified nurse aide at this assisted living facility for geriatric (elderly) people. Working as a nurses aide in a place like this you really get to know the residents that live there and basically become sort of an extension of family. You get to know this person’s routine, what they like to eat, their humor; in a sense you get to know them even more intimately than their own family (especially when they can no longer do things like take themselves to the bathroom or bathe themselves independently).
When a resident would pass away at the facility, there would be a photo of the person and a faux candle when you walk in the foyer. Whenever I saw a photo at the entrance coming in to work, I remember crying every single time. The sadness just seemed inevitable; how could you not cry after caring for these people and becoming such an integral part of their lives? When I started nursing school I told myself I wouldn’t work in facilities like that when I graduated because I know my heart would break when someone would pass away.
After graduating nursing school I started to work in a hospital setting. In the hospital setting, we don’t typically care for patients for extended periods of time like in an assistant living facility. But even there, regardless if the patient was expected to pass, the tears would come. Again, my heart was heavy.
Then my own grandfather passed away this past January. I had never experienced the death of a loved one until then. Up until that moment, I don’t think I truly understood the heaviness and the depth of what it really meant. I had only experienced death and dying from a professional standpoint; I’d cared for OTHER peoples loved ones, cleaned their bodies, and even pronounced them dead. But nothing was like experiencing the death of a loved one first hand.
I carried that weight with me for a while; and sometimes I feel the weight come back on occasion. But after my grandpas death, the very next patient that I cared for that passed away, I still clearly remember holding his hand as I watched him take his last breath. I knew in that moment my grandpas death changed me a little bit. And I cried a little harder than I had before. I knew the true pain of experiencing the death and dying of someone I cared about; I experienced the process of grievance.
But in that moment as I watched that patient take his last breath, I also felt a sense of privilege knowing that by holding his hand I was part of easing his way. The honor walk I witnessed and was a part of tonight gave me the same sense of privilege. But this time, instead of easing the patient’s way, I partook in easing the families way as we (the hospital staff) honored their loved one departing this world. We gave recognition to the legacy this patient was leaving behind though organ donation.
Death and dying is tough, even if they’re a normal part of life. It’s a process. The grievance is a process. The acceptance is a process. Either way, what I’ve come to learn from the process is that we can never truly 100% know when we’re going to experience loss and all we can do (as cliche as it sounds, but nonetheless true), is we should make time for our loved ones and genuinely appreciate the moments we share with them before the process begins.
Whether it be a romantic relationship or a casual encounter with a stranger, we as humans are destined to come across conflict in everyday life. Since these are unavoidable, it’s important that you know how to resolve problems for when the time comes. Most issues can be resolved with the same basic steps, which will be discussed in the following paragraphs.. While there are other ways to solve conflict, these steps will give you the foundation for resolving problems effectively.
Note: the following steps are based on the ideal situation that both parties are willing to resolve the conflict. This is not always the case and will be addressed later.
STEP 1: Collect Yourself
While it is important for you to say what is truly on your mind, you need to be concise and get all of your main points across without distracting yourself from the main issues. To explain yourself clearly, effectively, and appropriately so that the other party can understand your point of view, you must organize your concerns and prioritize your issues in advance. Start by writing down your thoughts and review them. This will help you see what is important and can eliminate anything unnecessary and irrelevant.
STEP 2: Find the Right Time
Make sure when you are about to resolve a conflict that you have a good mindset. If you or the other party are not ready to discuss the conflict, do not proceed. Only begin considering discussion once you have successfully completed step 1.You should set aside time to discuss the situation and contact the other party to make sure they also have had time to think. If the other party needs more time, be respectful and wait until both of you are ready. You want to start resolving when both of you are relaxed and are able to give the conflict your undivided attention.
STEP 3: Control Yourself
Remember to keep cool and remain composed throughout the discussion because it can be destructive to your relationships and your health if you fail to do so. It affects both your physical and mental health by adding stress to your life and clouding your judgement. Think before you act to ensure that you will not say something that you will later regret. You want to avoid becoming angry or defensive about things. The path of cycle of conflict can continue and can even create another problem if you are unable to control your anger.
STEP 4: Figure out the Source
It’s very important to figure out where the problem is rooted. If you do not, you could be solving surface problems rather than the real issue. Determining the root is like finding a cure for a disease; if you cannot find the source of the predicament, you will not be able to extract it completely. Focus on the ‘why’, not the ‘what’ otherwise you are only “treating the symptoms”. When resolving conflicts you want to extinguish the origin of the main dilemma. If you only temporarily fix the plight, you’ll find yourself trying over and over again without ever fully succeeding.
STEP 5: Explain Yourself
When it is time to explain yourself, be sure to utilize step one and three. You have gathered your thoughts and now it’s just a matter of expressing it to the other party. Although it sounds easy, it becomes difficult if you cannot balance both steps. For example, it is possible to get worked up again communicating your thoughts and challenge your ability to keep calm. Using both steps ensures the other party will take you seriously and take time to understand your point of view.
STEP 6: See Both Sides
Someone who is arrogant and condescending will never be able to resolve conflicts effectively. Everyone should have the chance to explain and everyone should be willing to listen. There could be things you do not want to hear. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with the other person or party, but you should be an active listener and give them the chance to explain themselves. Even if you’re right on your side of the argument, the opposing side can be right too.
STEP 7: Own Up to Your End
While it is hard to admit when you are wrong about something, it is critical that you do. Making excuses is an easy way to make the issue grow and draw the conflict out. An easy way to avoid this is to stop using the word “but.” By doing so you enable yourself to fully own up to your end of the conflict. It can also help you realize what your actions have done to contribute to the situation. It is vital that we admit to our faults in order to gain trust and learn from our mistakes. That being said, do not own up to anything you did not do in order to please the other party. It belittles the purpose of owning up to your end, which is to take responsibility, and makes it meaningless.
STEP 8: Don’t Bring Up the Past
Bringing up the past is one of the worst things you can do when trying to resolve a conflict. Reminding people of their previous mistakes can bring up bad memories and become another source of anger. Not only will it make the other person angry, it will also make them defensive. This in turn can have a negative effect on the success you will have in fixing the problem at hand. The past is in the past; let it go and focus on the current issue rather than pointing fingers.
STEP 9: Compromise
Not all situations can be a perfect win-win scenario. There will constantly be instances in our lives where we need to sacrifice some of what we want in order to satisfy both sides. You cannot always have what you want, neither can they. Selflessness is a very important part of any relationship. Working together with the other party to come up with the best solution for everyone is a great way to fix things.
STEP 10: Do Not Leave Things Unresolved
There is a difference between taking a break and completely walking away from a situation. Never leave a problem unresolved. Take a break if you need to, but always come back and fix things. Leaving an argument on a bad note could lead to grudges and may become the basis of other issues. The negative feelings will make it easier for you to get frustrated and focused on the problem when you could be spending your time and energy on something else; they can hinder your everyday productivity. Address the issue early on and prevent bigger conflicts.
And That’s That By actively managing your conflicts, you will be able to use it as a learning experience. In the end, this will help you to positively progress with your personal and professional relationships. These steps are extremely effective in resolving conflicts and maintaining healthy relationships. Following them will help you to get along with others, even in a time of disagreement. In the event that the other party is not willing to resolve the conflict, you can still manage and prevent further issues. This may not completely rid you of the problem, but it can help both parties more forward.
This post stems from the word “respect.” This whole post and the questions asked were just things I asked myself as I just continued to think about the term and what I said to answer the prior questions. This post is free-formed; my literal thoughts as they were happening in the order that they happened.
What does it mean to be respectful? What does it mean to have respect?
The dictionary definition of respect is “due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights or traditions of others”
due regard: take into consideration or account
So, to be respectful, to have respect, (from the dictionary definitions) means to take into consideration the feelings, wishes, rights or traction of others. Respect means you accept someone for who they are, even if they are different from you or you don’t agree with them.
Without respect within our relationships we cannot build feelings of trust, safety, and wellbeing.
How do you show respect?
Look for the best in others rather than concentration on their faults
Show compassion to others
Be polite
Treat others the way you want to be treated
What does it mean to earn respect? Should all people be treated with respect?
Most people who adhere to “respect is earned not given” are typically people who are aggressive, “no-nonsense” people who value their time.
Are there other ways to view respect?
Things are not always black and white. You can believe both respect is earned and still be a person who opens the door to random strangers. You can believe that respect is earned, but you’re also not going to be rude to people you don’t know.
What does it mean to demand respect?
Forcefully ask people to respect you through usage of things like experience, position, money, social status, educational achievements, material achievements. It means to use threats and pride to get respect from people
Examples of what people who demand respect say:
What do you know?
What have you experienced?
Do you know what I have done?
I am the boss
What are ways to earn respect?
Good active listening, not listening just to respond. Take the time to hear what the other person is communicating not just focusing on your own thoughts and opinions
Refrain from bad-mouthing others. Socially, professionally, in general. If you have a problem with someone, bring it up to the person themselves privately and be transparent and honest about the issue.
Be open to change, don’t be stubborn. Change is needed to grow and this means evaluating your negative behaviors, trying new activities, and learning new skills.
My concluding thoughts about, and surrounding respect:
Respect comes from treating others how you want to be treated.
Respect is naturally earned, and received rightfully without demand.
You can believe that respect is earned, but that doesn’t mean you’re also going to be rude to people you don’t know.
Is respect synonymous to being empathetic and having empathy for others?
